Feliz Año Nuevo - Peace Out Procrastination

Feliz año nuevo!

New year. New start. 

I think my favorite thing about the new year, is the reset button that gets pressed. Your work vacation hours reset, your mind resets, and you're geared up for the year. Also, it's okay if you're not quite there and you're still gearing up. Just make sure you push yourself over your last hurdle, whatever it may be. 

I have always had a problem with procrastination. Shocker, who has procrastination problems? I never looked at it as something that was a problem until I got a little bit older though. As a kid you put stuff off and think I'll do it later, not recognizing your relationship with time. The older you get the more you realize how sensitive that relationship is. There's a lot that you can do to mess it up, or there's a little that you can do to mess it up. Messing it up looks different for everyone. When I think of ways I need to improve I think of all of the lessons in 2017 that were reruns of lessons I had learned in the past. Sometimes we get wrapped up in the hoopla of life and forget that we really are in control. In 2016, the greatest piece of advice I was given was that you are in control of your own destiny. You decide how you want your life to look. The picture that you want to paint for the world, is in your hands - and as an adult, you hold the paint brush. You have complete direction of all of your decisions, no matter your circumstances. I spent the vast majority of 2017 feeling trapped in my life's circumstances. Not realizing all the ways that I was trapping myself initially. By the end of the year, I realized one of my biggest problems was my procrastination. Even procrastinating on stuff that I really want to do because of a fear of failure. I had to evaluate why I was procrastinating first, then why I was scared second. 

A lot of my fears stemmed from losing my dad. I disconnected myself from feeling things after my dad died and carried that sentiment with me until the last quarter of 2017. I impose a lot of self doubt on my dreams and goals because I'm scared to succeed without my dad. As a kid I always pushed away how losing my parent effected me. I tried to really make myself numb to feeling anything. I hadn't ever hurt like that before. For me, losing my dad was the worst possible thing, I had never imagined or prepared for. Even when I knew he was sick and going to die. I could see death in his eyes towards the later part of his life and it was so depressing To see my dad, this once strong Afro-Latino man, weak, frail and bed-ridden from paralysis was surreal. It may sound strange to a lot of people who know me, but for a long time I felt dead inside. I forced myself to feel but I didn't actually feel anything. Just this strange hollowness that never filled. I had to live life and process and figure out how to go on without him. I did it, but I didn't do it because I wanted to. I did it because I figured that's what you had to do. Death is all apart of the life cycle is what I used to tell myself. I pretended for a long time I was more okay than I really was. 

In order to deal, I picked up a variety of hobbies. I never allowed myself to feel deeply for certain things and if it was time to really delve in and learn the ins and outs, I changed hobbies. I didn't want to learn without my dad, but more importantly, I didn't want to fail without him. He was my first teacher and who I went to whenever I failed, or couldn't figure something out. He gave me the best advice and was the most patient with me, more patient than I was with myself. He was also consistent. He was my example of consistency so when he died, I felt like I lost any and all strings of attachment to consistency that I had ever had. It felt like any true understanding of consistency died with him. I would procrastinate and procrastinate until the very end because I felt empty inside. I felt like completing things wouldn't fulfill me or help me with this emptiness inside of me. It's hard to explain the feeling of being robbed of a parent in childhood and having to figure it out without them through teen + adulthood. I knew my dad and had a really close bond with him up until he died. Eleven years of my life with that man, and it was certainly cut short too soon. I procrastinated to fill the space. If I put things off and just added more to my plate then it could distract me from my bigger issue I was running away from. Honestly, at 11, I had no idea how my dad's death would affect me later in life. I never imagined that all of the things I would emotionally block myself from feeling would come back to haunt me. Or play a semi-detrimental role in my life. Running away from feelings seemed like it was the best thing to do. I don't know if it was, I don't know it wasn't. I filled myself with so much nonsense and superficiality that it was seemingly easier to live. I was so hurt at the loss of my dad that I didn't want to have any deep emotional connections to anyone anymore. Especially because I understand the cycle of life and that all living things must die. It was easier to connect to things that weren't emotional because I didn't want to connect. Superficiality is an easy and comfortable place to meet and stay. It's not the place you want to spend the rest of your life though. If you spend your time being superficial and not cultivating real emotions and love, you'll find yourself living an empty hollow life. Occupying a body and not serving a greater purpose, whatever that may be. 

So towards the end of 2017 I started evaluating where I was running into roadblocks, and why. It all ended up at the same place. My habit to put things off until it's too late and potentially a big problem is something that I had realized was consistent. Across the board. This fear of not dealing with things right then and there and putting off as long as I could was a huge roadblock. Finding out the root of my anxieties is something that helped me get over these hurdles, immensely. Coming to terms with the fact that I have an anxiety disorder and getting the kind of help that works best for me was hella crucial. Having someone to talk to and bounce your anxieties off of, is a huge help. I stepped into a space where I promised myself I would be honest with my role in where my life was. I also promised not to beat myself up over it, but to instead make a list of the areas I wanted to do better in, and ways to begin doing better. I didn't wait until the new year began to start my resolutions. I tried to incorporate them as much as I could before the year ended, so that the start to the year would be a strong one. I then spent time reigniting my own flames. Cultivating passions that made my heart and mind sing with joy. I challenged myself to learn more about my disciplines. When I have feelings of doubt and putting things off, I remind myself of all the reasons why I should just do it. I usually only come up with one, and it's that you'll feel better once it's done and not lingering, no time like the present. 

It's an attitude that's helped at work tremendously. I feel myself being more proactive in all parts of my life. Not sitting by waiting for life to happen to me, but finding the reigns and tugging them down the path that I see the most fit. 

If you're struggling to find consistency and balance, look at your plate and see where you can start. Don't forget to take some stuff off to. Remember that no is a full sentence and you do not have to overextend yourself all the time. You're not your best self if you're partially burnt out but still trying to balance everything at once. Figuring out that you can take stuff off of your plate and add them back on has been so helpful in my journey. Figuring out when it's time to add back in, and when it's time to let go will help you too. Be patient with yourself. You're not going to change over night. Give yourself small goals so you can see your progress. Most importantly though, continue to love and forgive yourself as you go through this journey of life. We are all dealt different cards and we all make different decisions, but one things for certain, we all make mistakes and mess up. It's okay to. It's apart of learning and growing in life. Some mistakes are more crucial than others and come with heavier lessons, but know that it doesn't make you any less of a human being. We are all human and we all deserve compassion. Start with yourself so you can open your mind towards others. 

-Digital Dashh