Manipulative Manny/Manuela

The #MeToo campaign that has been all over the Internet is one of the most important moments in our lives. It is the first time that collectively, women, and men, who have suffered abuse are sharing their stories and seeking support, publicly. I can only imagine the fear and uncertainty that each person felt as they shared their story with their social media networks. It's sparked a movement and gravitation towards a public acceptance and responsibility when it comes to holding the abusers accountable. The #MeToo campaign is referring to sexual harassment and abuse. This post focuses on the mental and health abuse that goes on in relationships. The emotional and mental things that go through your mind if you've ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and what it's like as the caring friend. 

The dating world is a weird place. It's antiquated in a lot of ways, but it's also very modern. I believe that it's modern because of technology. Not because human beings have modernized emotionally. In fact, I'd even argue that majority of us human beings are emotionally challenged. Dating is a very emotional thing - and the reason that sorta sucks is because people are scared shitless of emotions. Not everyone is this way, but the vast majority of human beings are afraid of feelings. Think about all of the people you know who have commitment issues. Someone who is afraid of their own feelings and doesn't know how to deal with them will not make a good partner. Dating someone who is not emotionally intelligent or capable of emotional growth is hard and incredibly counterintuitive. They are in a stagnant place. A place that's dark and cultivates negativity. As human beings, it's our job to grow and adapt. You cannot grow and adapt to change if you are stuck in a dark place. So, dating someone who is in that place is only going to impede your life progress.

Heartbreakingly enough, a large amount of us have friends who are in this place in their life. Whether they're the person who struggles with their emotional growth, or it's the person who tries to act as their emotional support system. There's a friend of mine who is the sweetest and most understanding person I know. She can rationalize just about everything, which is a large reason why she has such a bright aura. Through all of the dark and difficult tests of life, she has stood strong. She has a special glow about her that draws you in. You feel like you sparkle with her when you're in her presence. She has more recently began expressing the ways in which she's unhappy in her relationship, while also simultaneously feeling like she's ungrateful for feeling that way. Part of the reason she feels this way is because her partner is a classic Manipulative Manny.

He relies on her capabilities of making darkness light to keep him going. He thrives off of sucking the goodness out of her. He doesn't physically abuse her to take from the light. He does it with his words. When he saw her gift he attached himself to her like a leech and sucked her dry. When she is dry and has to recharge, he berates her for the way that she is. From the very beginning of their relationship he made a point to project his insecurities onto her. Their relationship started out as casual sex. An in just two short months, he became extremely possessive. Whenever he felt like she was interested in other men, he would throw tantrums. When she ended it, or at least tried to, he played to her strong desires to always help people, and made her feel bad about leaving him. He lashed out. Screaming at her. Threatening to take his own life. And there she was, just completely unsure of what to do next. Only knowing in her heart, that this human is broken and needs love. So she stayed. She felt like she was the only one who would be able to listen to him and help him get through this time. But the emotional abuse didn't stop there. That was just the beginning.  

He is an emotional abuser. He will be that way until he decides to recognize and work to accept the things that hurt him, then find ways to do something about it. The way that he manipulated her into a relationship is a tactic that's more common than we know. So when on the phone with her one day she asked me "why do I feel like I don't deserve happiness with my partner?". I had to pause for a moment because I've listened and witnessed many situations where she and her partner have been quarreling - and almost every time it has to do with her partner not being emotionally grown up enough to handle his own feelings in a healthy and constructive manner. It took me a while to answer the question because one, I hate hearing that one of my soul sisters is wounded. Especially because of a less than great significant other. After my long pause, I finally found the words to answer her question. My intent was to make her cry. I praised her. I told her all of the reasons he was drawn to her. I laid out the "problem" for her as simply as I could. It was hard to figure out the best way to tell her that she's dating someone who is dangerously manipulative. I managed to find the words though. That moment wasn't about me. One of my soul sisters was in a situation that she needed to be affirmed. She needed me to tell her all of the ways in which she was great.  So I did exactly that. I know what it's like to be stuck to someone. I also know what it's like to want someone to be stuck to you. Emotional manipulation is one of the scariest things you can experience in life. It is so much easier said than done to just up and leave. Each conversation that I have with her, I always make it a point to share my thoughts and tell her what I think would be a healthier situation. I also give her time and space to act on her own accord. You cannot force a person to move at your pace. You can only show them the reasons why you're leading them a certain way and hope that they see and believe those same reasons. I know when she's ready she will soar. 

I know that my role in her life is to support her and help her get through her time with her Manipulative Manny. As unscathed as possible. I am her means of support as she goes through this cosmic life lesson in her love life. We all struggle with love and identity. It's imperative to have people in your corner when you're going through these dark moments. Sometimes when you're in the trenches, it's hard to see that there's an end. One of the hardest things we try to do as compassionate beings is to love a broken person. We take away from ourselves to give to them in hopes to fix whatever's broken. It is not your responsibility to love and fix Manipulative Manny or Manuela. It is your responsibility to love and fix yourself first. Know that a person who is capable of loving you, wholly, will be able to see you when you're light is not overcast by depression. Depression does not always have to belong to you for you to be affected by it. A manipulative person (more often than not) is depressed and unhappy with their life and selves. 

Be weary of manipulators. Be even more weary of sex as one of their tactics to hold onto you.  Sex is like an anesthetic in this case. It will suppress the issue and keep the pain under wraps, but only temporarily. It will eventually ware off. The effects can be stronger and longer lasting depending on the severity of the problem. So, keep your eyes wide open when you're dating. There are signs early on. Pay attention to them. Listen to your gut. Men and women alike. Learn to love yourself first. You will cultivate a much better understanding of love if you love yourself first. You are your first test of full acceptance. 

If you are someone who is currently in this situation, or something similar, I'm here for you. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s them. They’re attracted to you because of your light and optimism regarding shitty parts of life that they couldn’t ever fathom having to deal with. You let them in because you are sweet and want to help everyone, and you also want to fix them because it would make you happiest to see them happy. There’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t let a broken man try to love you. Stand your ground. cut them off.  

Whatever choice you make in life, it will be okay. Do not beat yourself up for the amount of time it took you to leave. Your progress is your own and I believe in your ability to preserve and prioritize yourself. We all move at our own pace. Try not to dwell on the time you spent in the situation too long and with a negative lens. You were there for a reason. There was something about yourself you had to learn. Something's we learn about ourselves are really difficult to handle, but we make it through. Value every experience you have had and will continue to have. They will help to mold you into a better person. Reflect and do your best to learn from them.